a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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