Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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