you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
that may or may not have been my penis.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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