you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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