I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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