Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
