I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
