i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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