We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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