All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
