Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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