my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
