dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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