Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
