Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
