I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
