what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
