I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
