apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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