I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
