Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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