I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
