I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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