Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
