It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
