3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
