Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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