he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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