I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
