see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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