@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
