My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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