your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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