I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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