Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
