Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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