I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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