sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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