dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just forgot I was standing up.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
