she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
