Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
