My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
