u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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