I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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