she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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