i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
