Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize