Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
