the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
