Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
