As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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